Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:10-12

numb

My grandfather died today.

I found out through a friend who read it on my sister's facebook page. I loved my grandpa, I truly did. Death in itself doesn't upset me, I realize it happens to all of us eventually, and to be honest, I lost my grandpa when I was 13, thanks mom...anyway, of course, this all brings up the pain my family always brings me as I'm reminded once again how there isn't one person I'm related to by blood that honestly cares about me one way or the other. I'm guessing on my death, I won't get even a small percentage of the tears I shed over my grandpa tonight. This just hurts, on so many levels, and it shouldn't be like this.

I loved you grandpa, more than you'd probably ever guess and I wish I could hug you one more time.

Wednesday Smiles :)

Feeling Thankful

I tend to blog the most when I'm stressed, or depressed, after all , journaling is therapeutic. Anyway, the result of that is, that a lot of the time my blogs sound like I am the most miserable person on the planet, when that's SO not true.

For tonight's ramble, despite being beyond exhausted with very few firing brain cells, I'm specifically blogging about a few things I'm thankful for tonight.

1. Elijah is seriously on track. He hasn't thrown a tantrum in weeks, in fact, he's only thrown 2 in the past month and a half. Keep in mind, this was a kid who threw them daily and they were so extreme, we had to restrain him. Plus, most of the time, these tantrums would last ALL day long. Currently, I have a happy and obedient and most of all, a nine year old who's really trying to do well.
   
2. I love fall. I love the cooler air temp, I love the changing leaves and the distinct scent of smoke in the air from fire's being lit in the fireplace, and tonight, young Zachary and I took a nice walk at dusk, it was lovely. :)
3. I love that just being with Dale is so wonderful. We went to the grocery store together tonight, and for such a mundane dumb task, I loved every second of it. Dale has his faults, but he and I fit together so seamlessly, that just being in his presence, erases any funk or bad mood I may be in. Just seeing him, being able to touch him or hold his hand, makes my soul smile. I've never felt anything like it and I'm amazed at how fabulous it is.
4. I feel hope again. Hope for our family, hope for all four kids, hope for my future.
5. That divorce didn't cost me my relationship with Dave. Dave is supposed to be a part of my life, and even though we could no longer continue as husband and wife, I'm so proud to have him still as a close friend and an integral part of our family.
6. I'm actually staying afloat in school, and though I hit a HUGE glitch last week, I've been able to get passed it and keep going.
7. My relationship with God is blooming again. :D
8. Our bedroom project is nearly half way there! WOOHOO
9. I have good friends.
10. And I have great kids.

Yeah, I'm a lucky woman feeling very thankful tonight :)

Happy birthday to Z Happy birthday to Z!

Today is my oldest's 19th birthday. I rarely share my kids on line, but today I'm making an exception. I love that kid more than anything in the world, he of course does know how to drive me completely crazy and enjoys doing so. However, this year, he's jumped in to helping me save Zachary and Elijah with everything he's got. He put aside his job, his schooling, his friends, everything to be in the thick of it with me. And for those of you who've been close to me this year, for all the whining I've done about the situation, not once has that boy complained.

He's done everything I've asked him to do. He's carried the whole burden more than once when I fell down. He's watched, played with, disciplined, shared his heart, and even created Z's movie night. A night where he shares some of his favorite movies from when he was a kid, with the two boys. He plans it in advanced and always has some treat to go along with it. It's become the highlight of the week for all of us. :)

He's a gifted artist with a creative streak a mile wide. He writes and creates video games and has the strangest sense of humor. lol He loves God and strives to follow the path God wants for him, even if people give him a hard time for it. He struggles in his relationship with his dad, that saddens my heart and I pray both of them can find a way to work that one out. I mostly try and stay out of it, since God knows, I'm FAR from an expert of father type relationships. :( They're trying though, but as any mom knows, it's so hard to watch your kids struggle. I'm guessing that never stops no matter how old they get.

Around this family, we judge our years from birthday to birthday, rather than calendar year, and I always challenge my kids to make goals for themselves. This year, Z has chosen to take up charity work. He's looking over several places in our area that need volunteers, but hasn't decided on one yet. He's also planning to take his health more seriously and watch more carefully what he eats. He does have a bad junk food habit, supported of course by yours truly. The past few years we've all picked up some dumb habits, survival mechanisms I'd say, now comes the time to lay them down. Anyone reading my blogs over the past few years must know how hard life has been. Between the miscarriages, the divorce, the six months on the road and then finally this year with the boys, but I rarely mention how it's been affecting my own kids.

Honestly, I try and keep my kids off the internet, I'm an open book, but I protect their privacy wholeheartedly, however today, as I'm reflecting on oldest's journey, I have to also reflect on these past years. I've watched my kids struggle greatly with all that life has thrown at us, and yes they hurt, and yes it's left scars, but in the end, they've risen to the challenges and I'm so proud of who they are and who they are becoming.

I want to end this post with a re-post from Valentines of this year...

My oldest gave me a card today for Valentines. He gave it to me, took two steps back and said in mock fear, as if I was going to get emotional or something! "I'll just wait here till your done reading."

Then I started reading. This card so deeply touches my heart and makes me prouder of my son than I could express, but I'm guess moms will get it anyway. :) Here it is-

My mom is a person who believes in life's bright side.
I know, because she's helped me find it many times.

She is someone who considers another's feelings first.
I know, because she's always cared for mine.

My mom is a friend who will stop everything else to listen, to be a special source of understanding, and to offer hope and help in anyway she can.
I know, because she's always been a guiding light for me.

I know how wonderful my mom is, but what I wish for is the perfect way to let her know how much she means to me.

I love you, Mom...
and just thinking of you has the power to brighten up my day.

It still makes me cry!

Life is a long and hard journey, and for as many mistakes as I've made with both my kids, I'm so deeply satisfied with my relationships we have. With today being oldest's birthday, I just want to say, he amazes me and I hope he gets everything he wishes for today. Love you Z

I think I'll take this advice ;-)

Samantha got a message that on this day, God wants her to know that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep.

You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go a...head, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep.

See what God wants you to know...

A conversation with myself

I have a test in cultural geography tomorrow morning so of course I'm freaking out.

Instead of being calm and rational and just studying, I'm sitting here telling myself all the reasons why I should never, ever, have tried school again!

Okay, so here's my question.

Why, when I know calm and rational is what is required here, can I not get there and why do I feel like three year old throwing a tantrum saying but I don't wanna take my test!!??

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but that's what I'm doing internally.

I've enjoyed being back in school. I've enjoyed learning and studying and doing the assignments. I love that I'm doing so great with my grades...until recently when I fell behind missed a test and several assignments.

sigh

I need to remember though, that I was doing really well. I am NOT stupid and I am more that capable of handling this. I want so much more from my life than I'm getting right now, but I know what I'm getting is directly related to what I'm putting in and currently, that's not much.

I need to stir things up. I need to get myself off my ass and get in the game and stop letting fears and voices in my head derail me. but the Nike philosophy of "Just do it" isn't doing it for me!

In the end though, I can't think of anything else that will work and I know damn straight I'd tell the kids, just do it because it's what's right and I don't care how you "feel" about it. I'd tell anyone that...I need to listen to it myself, but honestly, once I internalize it for myself, I start to panic and think I can't.

So tomorrow is test day....what am I going to do? I have to get through this. I have to climb this mountain and I have to get to the top.